This Post is Rated "R"... for Rejection

Well hello lovely readers! I thought I’d start the New Year off by posting something nice and cheery.  The topic of this post… drumroll please… is rejection!

Why are you qualified to write this post, you may ask? Well, surprising but true: I have been rejected from many things in my life: literary magazines, universities, boyz, jobs (gosh, a whole lot of jobs actually! Talk to me about last November some other time… Trying to find a job in London is pretty brutal!).  Hec, I’ll probably be able to add agents and publishers to the list once I start submitting my manuscript later this year.  Rejection is practically an occupational hazard of being a(n aspiring) published author.

If you’re anything like me (that is, your skin is the thickness of rice paper and Achieving Things is very very important to your fragile ego), REJECTION SUCKS.  Some people brush off rejection, as they are bigger than that.  I commend those people.  I am not bigger than that.  In fact, many times, I find myself on the floor, beating my fists against the carpet, moaning, “Why me? Why me?” (#toughfirstworldproblems).  At the end of the day, though, I peel myself off the floor and keep going.  Why? Because rejection is a side-effect of the journey to do difficult/awesome things.  It’s a sign that you’re doing something right, because you’re putting yourself out there in a challenging landscape.  It’d be worrying if you never got rejected, because either you're the most awesome person to ever be born and better than everyone else (unlikely, but if that’s the case, congrats!) or you aren’t pushing yourself.  Rejection is normal, part of the process of getting where you want to be, and it happens to basically everyone. 

But does rejection still suck? YES. 

So, I asked you - my fellow bloggers, readers, and Facebook and Twitter buddies - to weigh in on how you cope with rejection.  The response was overwhelming – I don’t think I’ve ever had so many comments on a post! Rejection is such a universal experience that everyone had something to say about it.  (And by the way, thanks to everyone who wrote back. You’re all superstars.)

So what did you all have to say?

Many people mentioned comfort foods and drinks.  Fellow MA graduate Sharon Tregenza gave an emphatic push for “Vodka and Tonic!” Tomas Edward Lee insisted upon “Ben & Jerry’s.” (His comment was later seconded by Stevie Dorff and Gregory Ser.)  

Others advocated throwing yourself into an activity to take your mind off things.  My cousin, Toby Sirzyk stated, “I like to take some time to work in my pottery studio.”  The jury is still out as to whether or not this was a serious comment. 

Still others emphasized the importance of seeking comfort in community.  Said Tilly Lunken, “I always share opportunities with others, so when we all get rejected, we can work through the anger communally.” 

The unparalleled Lucinda Murray, fellow Chronicles blogger and mate of my soul, combined all of the above and more: “Reading the letter through in a blanket fort with my nearest and dearest, while drinking gin and dancing to musicals.”  (This sounds like fun to me and I will probably be doing this next time Rejection rears her ugly head.  You are all invited.)

But the vast majority of responses had to do with reframing the rejection – thinking of it as something positive, an opportunity for learning and growth and/or putting it into perspective.

Said Kitt Stoddart, graduate of Bath Spa’s MA in Scriptwriting, “I actually don’t hate rejection letters – whenever I have got one, I have just one thought: ‘Jesus, they actually went and wrote back, how nice!’” That is a nice spin on rejection, isn’t it?

Shan MacPherson’s comment pulled at my heartstrings, but held a beautiful message about the learning that can emerge from rejection: “The first major rejection, the that broke my heart, was the one that taught me how much pain there can be.  It made me more cognizant and therefore considerate of what others might feel.” Rejection can be painful, but pain is often a gateway to empathy.

On a lighter note, I adored these suggestions from fellow Chronicles bloggers and MA graduates Harriet “Harry” Balfour Evans and Josh Martin:

Said Harry, “I pretend like it wasn’t really an important goal in my plan anyway, and make a mental note to include it in my autobiography when I’m older and astonishingly successful.”  LOL, Harry.  I probably will start doing this, too, now.

Said Josh, “Google rejection experiences – they happen to everyone.  Ursula Le Guin has one on her site and it’s pretty eye-opening.  Miss Snark also posted something about being pissed because she missed out on publishing Maggie Stiefvater! That could be us!” There’s a great site I found, actually, that has rejection letters that all your favourite famous writers have received.  Super validating and worth checking out!

On a personal level, the most helpful thing I’ve ever done to cope with rejection is to do the research for and write this article.  It forced me to ask people about their rejection experiences, and to be up front about my own.  The very fact of getting 20+ Facebook comments about different people’s wisdom regarding rejection affirmed to me just how widespread an experience rejection is.  It happens to all of us, it isn’t personal, and it’s something that everyone has to contend with, especially people who have chosen idiotically competitive career paths (hello all ye writers and artists out there!).  Because of that, I’ve decided to include more of the responses I received below, so that if you ever need a reminder that it’s not just you (and I say this as much for myself as for you, dear readers), you’ll have a one-click solution.

I’d like to close with a thought from Sherwin Sullivan Tija: “When I get a ‘no,’ I try to say ‘yes’ to two things moving forward, to somehow increase the frequency of yesses in my life.” I like the idea that if we put out more positivity, positivity comes back to us.  I’ve certainly found that the more I’m able to stay positive and the more I believe in my own chances, the easier it is to keep striving towards my sometimes-very-far-away-seeming goals.

____

More thoughts on rejection from YOU…

“Take a deep breath, dust myself off and get on with it.” – Gabriela Pomeroy

“Reaching your target yourself can make up for pretty much any rejection. Set a goal, off you go.” – Gregory Ser

“Obviously rejection in any form is upsetting, but when it comes to a personal one such as being fired from a job, it is hard to not spiral into a pit of self-pity. However, the best thing that comes out that specific kind of rejection is the chance to grow. There is a small part of this kind of rejection that allows the person to rise above their previous mistakes and begin anew.” – Caitlin Hung

“The rejection process may be disappointing in the short term, but genuinely isn't going to ruin your chances overall. I can think of about four major opportunities that came super close to going really big in the last four years, all of which went to nothing, but I don't feel in any way they have held me back. For me the most important thing about rejection is that it is just as much part of the process as anything else, and as long as you keep applying, then you honestly don't know what will happen next- and that's not an empty platitude, that's a fact!
” – Dylan Spicer

“A straightforward rejection I tend to brush off. What's hard is if you get a reject plus some confusing criticism of what you sent in. My usual reaction then is alternatively to sulk/question myself and everything I have ever stood for for a couple of days, then go back to the comments, analyse them with friends and work out how to improve what I've got. Rejection is a catalyst for growth, usually. And sometimes it's just a case of mis-match and luck.” – Antonia Reed

“A friend taught me to always have a certain number of submissions out at any one time, so that if you get a rejection, there are still all those other possibilities floating around like bubbles of hope. Revising the piece is another possible strategy if you've gotten a lot of rejections.” – Su Sokol

“As a consultant who makes her living ‘selling’ ideas and knowledge, I eventually figured out that after a no, the only way to make the phone ring was to dial it. Meaning basically, get back on the horse kind of thinking. Also, I look up to my office wall and take note of some favourite "sayings" [which I have posted there].  [For example,] "Gam Zeh Ya'avor… [Hebrew for] ‘This too shall pass’ " and "Accept and Detach". Then I go eat some potato chips.” – Harriett Lemer